Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
