I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
