I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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