We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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