Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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