So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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