God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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