I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
