happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
