I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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