just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
is wine microwaveable?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
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Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
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I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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