as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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