I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
