Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
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He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
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We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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