My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter