I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We need a shit load of segways right now
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
