shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
