So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
