My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
