She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
