you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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