If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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