i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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