At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
