When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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