sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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