Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
