I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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