There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
