Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
