I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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