My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
