I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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