im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize