Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish i was in the wii world.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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