I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
