I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
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