Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
