i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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