That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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