Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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