My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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