Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
