please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
