Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
