You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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