Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
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is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
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I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Your penis caused this!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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