You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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