Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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