I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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