I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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