The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
