I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
