I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
