Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
