All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
