Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
